I was thinking about how relationships get started. How people get together. How they decide to go from zero to serious, or from zero to friends to serious, or whatever.
I see a lot in the media what draws a lot of people together is sadness, lonliness, hurt, vulnerability.
When someone shows their vulnerability, it tends to be that one of two things happen:
1) The vulnerable person gets taken advantage of and used.
2) The vulnerable person attracts someone towards them who they then use to soothe and nurture their hurts.
Sometimes it's a combination of both. In fact, generally it IS a combination of both - a user is attracted to someone who wants to be used, but the one who is used is also using the user because being used feels good in some twisted ways when we're really messed up and in pain inside.
My learning from this thought is that going with my instinct to be repulsed by a man who shows vulnerability as a way to bring me closer to him... is the RIGHT thing to do.
I'm not a user, and I'm not looking to be used so someone can BE used and then feel badly about it.
Now, to figure out what I say when I realize someone is trying to use vulnerability or sadness or whatever as a way to draw me closer...
"Sounds like you need to find someone to talk to about that."
And if he thinks that's an invite to talk to ME...
"Sorry, I'm a technical consultant, not a therapist"
And if he wants to get my technical help...
"Sure! $75 an hour, there's a Paypal link on our website, you can reserve 5 or 10 hours of consulting time there"
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Fuck you, Johnny Depp
My best friend has a Johnny Depp fetish, and last time we got together for an evening of chatter and movie-watching, she pulled out a Johnny Depp fave, "Crybaby".
I went home thinking about an old flame I hadn't thought about in years, and found myself frustrated for DAYS with thoughts of moments in time that were burned into my head about him.
He's one of those "past guys" who was more a playmate than anything - we spent way more time exchanging glances, talking in double entendres and sneaking touches during group events than we ever spent alone, but that's the way it was meant to be. A boldly flirtatious game of chemistry, language and self-control that left me wanting to scream more than once, and never, ever ever ever left me physically satisfied.
As I thought about him again, I shook my head, wondering why I had somehow believed I could shut his memory out forever and not use his example as part of what I build into my next great relationship.
I really HAD tucked him away to a back corner of my mind that didn't get visited.
Until I saw Johnny Depp in Crybaby, and while every character in the Crybaby movie was a hilariously overplayed rendition of a stereotype, Depp's dark hair, dark eyes and bad boy bold language reminded me clearly of that man in my past.
I've spent the past five days thinking a lot about what that man taught me about myself and about my sexual engine and appetite.
In all that thought, I took action to find another playfully bold guy like him, I'm starting a search to find a new workout facility and social group that fits my needs. Fitness needs, social needs, and maybe one day through it I'll meet a guy like him who is actually available for a relationship and not just flirting games...
I went home thinking about an old flame I hadn't thought about in years, and found myself frustrated for DAYS with thoughts of moments in time that were burned into my head about him.
He's one of those "past guys" who was more a playmate than anything - we spent way more time exchanging glances, talking in double entendres and sneaking touches during group events than we ever spent alone, but that's the way it was meant to be. A boldly flirtatious game of chemistry, language and self-control that left me wanting to scream more than once, and never, ever ever ever left me physically satisfied.
As I thought about him again, I shook my head, wondering why I had somehow believed I could shut his memory out forever and not use his example as part of what I build into my next great relationship.
I really HAD tucked him away to a back corner of my mind that didn't get visited.
Until I saw Johnny Depp in Crybaby, and while every character in the Crybaby movie was a hilariously overplayed rendition of a stereotype, Depp's dark hair, dark eyes and bad boy bold language reminded me clearly of that man in my past.
I've spent the past five days thinking a lot about what that man taught me about myself and about my sexual engine and appetite.
In all that thought, I took action to find another playfully bold guy like him, I'm starting a search to find a new workout facility and social group that fits my needs. Fitness needs, social needs, and maybe one day through it I'll meet a guy like him who is actually available for a relationship and not just flirting games...
Monday, November 29, 2010
Embracing Passionate, Constructive Conflict
A lot of people are afraid of conflict.
Afraid both of being attacked, and of their own propensity to attack others, some people have trained themselves to believe that conflict itself is a bad thing.
I used to agree with that sentiment, but as I've re-aligned my thoughts on the topic, I realized this:
CONSTRUCTIVE conflict is AWESOME!
DEconstructive conflict is HORRIBLE!
Therefore, it's not the CONFLICT that is the problem, but how the conflict builds or destroys the foundations of a relationship.
Constructive Conflict, Defined
So if it's not the conflict that's the problem, but whether it's constructive or deconstructive to the relationship, how do we make sure we're leaning towards constructive vs DEstructive?
By handling the conflict respectfully.
By staying on point, on topic, and within limits of reality. (ie: don't exaggerate to prove a point, and voice your OWN opinions, not that of others)
By focusing on the content of the debate and leaving aside any thought of who or what is "right" or "wrong".
By maintaining a strong intention to be verbally respectful, avoiding both self-loathing and judgmental behaviors, or at the very least, stopping ourselves if we slip up and let one squeak out, apologizing, and asking to have that "stricken from the record", so to speak.
Life Without Conflict Is A Lie
I know many people will disagree with my statement above, but this is something I've realized for myself about myself, and therefore I don't care if that statement works for other people or not.
The man I get into a serious relationship with next time will be able to respectfully handle conflict from start to conclusion. Even if we don't agree at the end of the conflict - ESPECIALLY if we don't agree at the end of conflict... just the ability to handle constructive conflict is a requirement.
No longer do I accept that a consistently passive, laid back personality is a good one (for me, or for him). Like the spirit of competitiveness that lives within us all, the conflict and competitiveness are not the bad guy - it's how respectful you're able to be during the process.
I think it's going to be fun to find the guy who can handle conflict in a constructive way (like I already know I can, from practice and purposeful experience), and who knows how to escalate that passion, once the debate is coming to a conclusion, into amazing love-making.
Connection by intellect, connection by soul, connection by body.
Afraid both of being attacked, and of their own propensity to attack others, some people have trained themselves to believe that conflict itself is a bad thing.
I used to agree with that sentiment, but as I've re-aligned my thoughts on the topic, I realized this:
CONSTRUCTIVE conflict is AWESOME!
DEconstructive conflict is HORRIBLE!
Therefore, it's not the CONFLICT that is the problem, but how the conflict builds or destroys the foundations of a relationship.
Constructive Conflict, Defined
So if it's not the conflict that's the problem, but whether it's constructive or deconstructive to the relationship, how do we make sure we're leaning towards constructive vs DEstructive?
By handling the conflict respectfully.
By staying on point, on topic, and within limits of reality. (ie: don't exaggerate to prove a point, and voice your OWN opinions, not that of others)
By focusing on the content of the debate and leaving aside any thought of who or what is "right" or "wrong".
By maintaining a strong intention to be verbally respectful, avoiding both self-loathing and judgmental behaviors, or at the very least, stopping ourselves if we slip up and let one squeak out, apologizing, and asking to have that "stricken from the record", so to speak.
Life Without Conflict Is A Lie
I know many people will disagree with my statement above, but this is something I've realized for myself about myself, and therefore I don't care if that statement works for other people or not.
The man I get into a serious relationship with next time will be able to respectfully handle conflict from start to conclusion. Even if we don't agree at the end of the conflict - ESPECIALLY if we don't agree at the end of conflict... just the ability to handle constructive conflict is a requirement.
No longer do I accept that a consistently passive, laid back personality is a good one (for me, or for him). Like the spirit of competitiveness that lives within us all, the conflict and competitiveness are not the bad guy - it's how respectful you're able to be during the process.
I think it's going to be fun to find the guy who can handle conflict in a constructive way (like I already know I can, from practice and purposeful experience), and who knows how to escalate that passion, once the debate is coming to a conclusion, into amazing love-making.
Connection by intellect, connection by soul, connection by body.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)