I was thinking about how relationships get started. How people get together. How they decide to go from zero to serious, or from zero to friends to serious, or whatever.
I see a lot in the media what draws a lot of people together is sadness, lonliness, hurt, vulnerability.
When someone shows their vulnerability, it tends to be that one of two things happen:
1) The vulnerable person gets taken advantage of and used.
2) The vulnerable person attracts someone towards them who they then use to soothe and nurture their hurts.
Sometimes it's a combination of both. In fact, generally it IS a combination of both - a user is attracted to someone who wants to be used, but the one who is used is also using the user because being used feels good in some twisted ways when we're really messed up and in pain inside.
My learning from this thought is that going with my instinct to be repulsed by a man who shows vulnerability as a way to bring me closer to him... is the RIGHT thing to do.
I'm not a user, and I'm not looking to be used so someone can BE used and then feel badly about it.
Now, to figure out what I say when I realize someone is trying to use vulnerability or sadness or whatever as a way to draw me closer...
"Sounds like you need to find someone to talk to about that."
And if he thinks that's an invite to talk to ME...
"Sorry, I'm a technical consultant, not a therapist"
And if he wants to get my technical help...
"Sure! $75 an hour, there's a Paypal link on our website, you can reserve 5 or 10 hours of consulting time there"
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
I Think, Therefore I'm Single
My first serious relationship spanned from 19-22. It started out as a long distance relationship (only 2h away however) but after it became apparent that we really liked each other, I moved to his city and we lived together.
It lasted for 2.5 years before I packed my bags and left. My ex may have loved me, but he didn't love himself very well, and he had massive issues with his father that were left unresolved which boiled over into our relationship via angry fits and holes in walls, but never to physical violence against each other.
I found a few pin-on buttons shortly after we broke up, and because they were cheap and entertained me, I bought them.
One of them read: "Don't get stars in your eyes! They'll burn your lids right off!"
The other read: "I Think, Therefore I'm Single"
I wore both on my jacket, and found other people's response to them quite interesting, and telling.
When people read the second badge, I could instantly tell how they felt about their own marital state. If they were happily married, they were somewhat offended by the badge. If they were single and happy, they laughed and agreed full-on with it. If they were married and unhappy, some tried to hide their chuckle, others gave 'sad' responses.
I wore that badge while I recovered from the ending of my first serious relationship, while out in public in general, and while doing light dating. I only took it off once I found someone I was willing to consider committing to, after we had been dating for a while.
I think I need to get another badge like that. It was such a helpful marital-status chat opener, made it much easier for me to learn who was single and who wasn't.
Plus, I like to offend people who are looking for things that offend them. It entertains me.
PS: I found that button. The one I haven't worn in 15 years. For some reason, it had worked its way out of whatever box it was stashed in, and was on the floor beneath my computer, facing down as I wrote this entry. Frickin' weird.
It lasted for 2.5 years before I packed my bags and left. My ex may have loved me, but he didn't love himself very well, and he had massive issues with his father that were left unresolved which boiled over into our relationship via angry fits and holes in walls, but never to physical violence against each other.
I found a few pin-on buttons shortly after we broke up, and because they were cheap and entertained me, I bought them.
One of them read: "Don't get stars in your eyes! They'll burn your lids right off!"
The other read: "I Think, Therefore I'm Single"
I wore both on my jacket, and found other people's response to them quite interesting, and telling.
When people read the second badge, I could instantly tell how they felt about their own marital state. If they were happily married, they were somewhat offended by the badge. If they were single and happy, they laughed and agreed full-on with it. If they were married and unhappy, some tried to hide their chuckle, others gave 'sad' responses.
I wore that badge while I recovered from the ending of my first serious relationship, while out in public in general, and while doing light dating. I only took it off once I found someone I was willing to consider committing to, after we had been dating for a while.
I think I need to get another badge like that. It was such a helpful marital-status chat opener, made it much easier for me to learn who was single and who wasn't.
Plus, I like to offend people who are looking for things that offend them. It entertains me.
PS: I found that button. The one I haven't worn in 15 years. For some reason, it had worked its way out of whatever box it was stashed in, and was on the floor beneath my computer, facing down as I wrote this entry. Frickin' weird.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Social Expectations Are Irrelevant
I love the Seven of Nine character from the Star Trek: Voyager series, just like I love Data on the Star Trek: The Next Generation series.
Yes, I like Star Trek - it tends to be low-drama entertainment that bases a lot of its humor and depth on the philosophical dissimilarities between people and cultures, which is something I love to think about.
I didn't expect to like Seven of Nine as much as I do, but I absolutely love the contradiction in terms her feminine body is with her direct, focused and very masculine emotional state. I'm sure there are also a lot of males who enjoy this contradiction, but for distinctly different reasons than I do. ;)
The main reason I like Seven so much is because she's like Tuvok the vulcan - highly logically-driven in her decision making processes, and because of that fact, anyone who tries to manipulate her for their own personal gain or to protect their pride... fails. Also, because she was rescued from the Borg collective which has distinctly different social dynamics than either humans or vulcans, she's even MORE interesting - she is logical and strong, and is trying to deal with illogical human social customs and taboos.
"Irrelevant" is her favorite word, and quite often, I find myself agreeing with her assessments.
I've got some people in my life who don't like those assessments because they've found the logic difficult to debate without bringing emotions into the mix.
Some say the emotions are a natural part of the debate, and I agree - Seven shows a passion and conviction and hunger to truly understand - but that doesn't mean she allows people to use emotions such as fear, anger or guilt to sway her logical debates.
Seven is my hero!
Yes, I like Star Trek - it tends to be low-drama entertainment that bases a lot of its humor and depth on the philosophical dissimilarities between people and cultures, which is something I love to think about.
I didn't expect to like Seven of Nine as much as I do, but I absolutely love the contradiction in terms her feminine body is with her direct, focused and very masculine emotional state. I'm sure there are also a lot of males who enjoy this contradiction, but for distinctly different reasons than I do. ;)
The main reason I like Seven so much is because she's like Tuvok the vulcan - highly logically-driven in her decision making processes, and because of that fact, anyone who tries to manipulate her for their own personal gain or to protect their pride... fails. Also, because she was rescued from the Borg collective which has distinctly different social dynamics than either humans or vulcans, she's even MORE interesting - she is logical and strong, and is trying to deal with illogical human social customs and taboos.
"Irrelevant" is her favorite word, and quite often, I find myself agreeing with her assessments.
I've got some people in my life who don't like those assessments because they've found the logic difficult to debate without bringing emotions into the mix.
Some say the emotions are a natural part of the debate, and I agree - Seven shows a passion and conviction and hunger to truly understand - but that doesn't mean she allows people to use emotions such as fear, anger or guilt to sway her logical debates.
Seven is my hero!
On Dating Multiple People At Once
Human interaction and psychology fascinates me.
The dynamics that get created and re-enforced within relationships are incredibly interesting, and I think that's the main reason I read discussion boards where people are posting about their relationships and looking for feedback from the general public.
Lately I've been pondering how to align my thoughts and emotions surrounding the topic of dating with the intent of finding a really great guy to form a really great relationship with. I've spent time reading other people's dating threads and pondered what they were saying and doing, and pondered the dynamics that were being created right there, at the beginning of the potential new relationships.
Every well-thought-out book I've read on the topic of dating agrees to one thing: When you're just getting into the game (or back into it in my case), until you can really feel the abundance of potential relationships waiting for you, a dater should be dating a LOT of different people at once:
Tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, ones with red hair, ones with NO hair, ones who are fit, ones who are out of shape, ones who are younger, ones who are older, ones who are only children, ones who are one of eight, ones with kids and ones without, and everything in between.
The logic behind this is that many people fall into the trap of pursuing a relationship with a person for the wrong reasons - to alleviate or medicate feelings of fear or aloneness or deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and abandonment - and this blind focus on winning the affections of this one person (also called one-itis, or putting someone on a pedestal) is dangerous and unhealthy.
By dating multiple people at once and continuing the focus of meeting new people and going on a whole bunch of different first and second dates, the temptation to succumb to the unhealthy dynamics that show up in one particular dating sequence is reduced. The more people you're getting to know personally, the more you get to figure out your own likes and dislikes, your own wants and needs in a long-term relationship. Also, if you're openly going on a whole whack of first and second dates, certain dynamics can be triggered in the especially insecure ones, and it'll be easy to "Next!" the possessive ones and just continue to give time to meeting new people and getting to know them.
So, the books all say "stand back, take it slow, get to know him/her first, and in order to slow down the psychological commitment cycle that we eventually allow to take its full course when we decide to actually *commit*, keep your dating calendar full and don't give too much time to one person too early." I'm on board with that psychologically, and am moving towards emotionally re-enforcing the concepts within myself.
One of the challenges I face is finding my own expectations of what a First, Second, Third, Fourth, etc etc date should optimally entail. Note, I say optimally, and I say should, both which have very little place in reality, but are great for dreaming of the possibilities in my own head.
I am following the advice of a dating book for women that suggests specific strategies for handling dating multiple people at once with integrity on all levels: Honesty, Self-Respect, Respect For Others, Clear Boundaries. According to it, before the end of the second date, or certainly before a third one convenes, I will be making it clear that I am interested in finding a long term relationship but I have thrown myself into the dating pool with the intent of going slow, keeping my eyes open while still allowing authentic conversation from my heart to flow, respecting myself and the ones I date, while I do what it takes to decide who I'd like to ultimately get intimate or exclusive with.
I expect it might take me a few tries to learn to screen past the guys who get too close too fast and are already somewhat attached by the time I tell them I'm dating others.
It should be interesting. But I shall learn.
The dynamics that get created and re-enforced within relationships are incredibly interesting, and I think that's the main reason I read discussion boards where people are posting about their relationships and looking for feedback from the general public.
Lately I've been pondering how to align my thoughts and emotions surrounding the topic of dating with the intent of finding a really great guy to form a really great relationship with. I've spent time reading other people's dating threads and pondered what they were saying and doing, and pondered the dynamics that were being created right there, at the beginning of the potential new relationships.
Every well-thought-out book I've read on the topic of dating agrees to one thing: When you're just getting into the game (or back into it in my case), until you can really feel the abundance of potential relationships waiting for you, a dater should be dating a LOT of different people at once:
Tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, ones with red hair, ones with NO hair, ones who are fit, ones who are out of shape, ones who are younger, ones who are older, ones who are only children, ones who are one of eight, ones with kids and ones without, and everything in between.
The logic behind this is that many people fall into the trap of pursuing a relationship with a person for the wrong reasons - to alleviate or medicate feelings of fear or aloneness or deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and abandonment - and this blind focus on winning the affections of this one person (also called one-itis, or putting someone on a pedestal) is dangerous and unhealthy.
By dating multiple people at once and continuing the focus of meeting new people and going on a whole bunch of different first and second dates, the temptation to succumb to the unhealthy dynamics that show up in one particular dating sequence is reduced. The more people you're getting to know personally, the more you get to figure out your own likes and dislikes, your own wants and needs in a long-term relationship. Also, if you're openly going on a whole whack of first and second dates, certain dynamics can be triggered in the especially insecure ones, and it'll be easy to "Next!" the possessive ones and just continue to give time to meeting new people and getting to know them.
So, the books all say "stand back, take it slow, get to know him/her first, and in order to slow down the psychological commitment cycle that we eventually allow to take its full course when we decide to actually *commit*, keep your dating calendar full and don't give too much time to one person too early." I'm on board with that psychologically, and am moving towards emotionally re-enforcing the concepts within myself.
One of the challenges I face is finding my own expectations of what a First, Second, Third, Fourth, etc etc date should optimally entail. Note, I say optimally, and I say should, both which have very little place in reality, but are great for dreaming of the possibilities in my own head.
I am following the advice of a dating book for women that suggests specific strategies for handling dating multiple people at once with integrity on all levels: Honesty, Self-Respect, Respect For Others, Clear Boundaries. According to it, before the end of the second date, or certainly before a third one convenes, I will be making it clear that I am interested in finding a long term relationship but I have thrown myself into the dating pool with the intent of going slow, keeping my eyes open while still allowing authentic conversation from my heart to flow, respecting myself and the ones I date, while I do what it takes to decide who I'd like to ultimately get intimate or exclusive with.
I expect it might take me a few tries to learn to screen past the guys who get too close too fast and are already somewhat attached by the time I tell them I'm dating others.
It should be interesting. But I shall learn.
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