A lot of people are afraid of conflict.
Afraid both of being attacked, and of their own propensity to attack others, some people have trained themselves to believe that conflict itself is a bad thing.
I used to agree with that sentiment, but as I've re-aligned my thoughts on the topic, I realized this:
CONSTRUCTIVE conflict is AWESOME!
DEconstructive conflict is HORRIBLE!
Therefore, it's not the CONFLICT that is the problem, but how the conflict builds or destroys the foundations of a relationship.
Constructive Conflict, Defined
So if it's not the conflict that's the problem, but whether it's constructive or deconstructive to the relationship, how do we make sure we're leaning towards constructive vs DEstructive?
By handling the conflict respectfully.
By staying on point, on topic, and within limits of reality. (ie: don't exaggerate to prove a point, and voice your OWN opinions, not that of others)
By focusing on the content of the debate and leaving aside any thought of who or what is "right" or "wrong".
By maintaining a strong intention to be verbally respectful, avoiding both self-loathing and judgmental behaviors, or at the very least, stopping ourselves if we slip up and let one squeak out, apologizing, and asking to have that "stricken from the record", so to speak.
Life Without Conflict Is A Lie
I know many people will disagree with my statement above, but this is something I've realized for myself about myself, and therefore I don't care if that statement works for other people or not.
The man I get into a serious relationship with next time will be able to respectfully handle conflict from start to conclusion. Even if we don't agree at the end of the conflict - ESPECIALLY if we don't agree at the end of conflict... just the ability to handle constructive conflict is a requirement.
No longer do I accept that a consistently passive, laid back personality is a good one (for me, or for him). Like the spirit of competitiveness that lives within us all, the conflict and competitiveness are not the bad guy - it's how respectful you're able to be during the process.
I think it's going to be fun to find the guy who can handle conflict in a constructive way (like I already know I can, from practice and purposeful experience), and who knows how to escalate that passion, once the debate is coming to a conclusion, into amazing love-making.
Connection by intellect, connection by soul, connection by body.
Showing posts with label passion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label passion. Show all posts
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Social Expectations Are Irrelevant
I love the Seven of Nine character from the Star Trek: Voyager series, just like I love Data on the Star Trek: The Next Generation series.
Yes, I like Star Trek - it tends to be low-drama entertainment that bases a lot of its humor and depth on the philosophical dissimilarities between people and cultures, which is something I love to think about.
I didn't expect to like Seven of Nine as much as I do, but I absolutely love the contradiction in terms her feminine body is with her direct, focused and very masculine emotional state. I'm sure there are also a lot of males who enjoy this contradiction, but for distinctly different reasons than I do. ;)
The main reason I like Seven so much is because she's like Tuvok the vulcan - highly logically-driven in her decision making processes, and because of that fact, anyone who tries to manipulate her for their own personal gain or to protect their pride... fails. Also, because she was rescued from the Borg collective which has distinctly different social dynamics than either humans or vulcans, she's even MORE interesting - she is logical and strong, and is trying to deal with illogical human social customs and taboos.
"Irrelevant" is her favorite word, and quite often, I find myself agreeing with her assessments.
I've got some people in my life who don't like those assessments because they've found the logic difficult to debate without bringing emotions into the mix.
Some say the emotions are a natural part of the debate, and I agree - Seven shows a passion and conviction and hunger to truly understand - but that doesn't mean she allows people to use emotions such as fear, anger or guilt to sway her logical debates.
Seven is my hero!
Yes, I like Star Trek - it tends to be low-drama entertainment that bases a lot of its humor and depth on the philosophical dissimilarities between people and cultures, which is something I love to think about.
I didn't expect to like Seven of Nine as much as I do, but I absolutely love the contradiction in terms her feminine body is with her direct, focused and very masculine emotional state. I'm sure there are also a lot of males who enjoy this contradiction, but for distinctly different reasons than I do. ;)
The main reason I like Seven so much is because she's like Tuvok the vulcan - highly logically-driven in her decision making processes, and because of that fact, anyone who tries to manipulate her for their own personal gain or to protect their pride... fails. Also, because she was rescued from the Borg collective which has distinctly different social dynamics than either humans or vulcans, she's even MORE interesting - she is logical and strong, and is trying to deal with illogical human social customs and taboos.
"Irrelevant" is her favorite word, and quite often, I find myself agreeing with her assessments.
I've got some people in my life who don't like those assessments because they've found the logic difficult to debate without bringing emotions into the mix.
Some say the emotions are a natural part of the debate, and I agree - Seven shows a passion and conviction and hunger to truly understand - but that doesn't mean she allows people to use emotions such as fear, anger or guilt to sway her logical debates.
Seven is my hero!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)