A lot of people are afraid of conflict.
Afraid both of being attacked, and of their own propensity to attack others, some people have trained themselves to believe that conflict itself is a bad thing.
I used to agree with that sentiment, but as I've re-aligned my thoughts on the topic, I realized this:
CONSTRUCTIVE conflict is AWESOME!
DEconstructive conflict is HORRIBLE!
Therefore, it's not the CONFLICT that is the problem, but how the conflict builds or destroys the foundations of a relationship.
Constructive Conflict, Defined
So if it's not the conflict that's the problem, but whether it's constructive or deconstructive to the relationship, how do we make sure we're leaning towards constructive vs DEstructive?
By handling the conflict respectfully.
By staying on point, on topic, and within limits of reality. (ie: don't exaggerate to prove a point, and voice your OWN opinions, not that of others)
By focusing on the content of the debate and leaving aside any thought of who or what is "right" or "wrong".
By maintaining a strong intention to be verbally respectful, avoiding both self-loathing and judgmental behaviors, or at the very least, stopping ourselves if we slip up and let one squeak out, apologizing, and asking to have that "stricken from the record", so to speak.
Life Without Conflict Is A Lie
I know many people will disagree with my statement above, but this is something I've realized for myself about myself, and therefore I don't care if that statement works for other people or not.
The man I get into a serious relationship with next time will be able to respectfully handle conflict from start to conclusion. Even if we don't agree at the end of the conflict - ESPECIALLY if we don't agree at the end of conflict... just the ability to handle constructive conflict is a requirement.
No longer do I accept that a consistently passive, laid back personality is a good one (for me, or for him). Like the spirit of competitiveness that lives within us all, the conflict and competitiveness are not the bad guy - it's how respectful you're able to be during the process.
I think it's going to be fun to find the guy who can handle conflict in a constructive way (like I already know I can, from practice and purposeful experience), and who knows how to escalate that passion, once the debate is coming to a conclusion, into amazing love-making.
Connection by intellect, connection by soul, connection by body.
Showing posts with label healthy boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healthy boundaries. Show all posts
Monday, November 29, 2010
Neediness Is An Emotional Trap
I was raised to believe (more through television than through what my parents taught me) that Needs and Needy behavior were one and the same.
As if when one had needs, they were automatically expected to behave in a needy way in order to get their needs met.
So, it was "normal" for a guy to display neediness early in our relationship - even when we were still on the "friends" side and not officially dating or anything. After all, everyone has needs, and therefore, since I thought needs = needy, I completely accepted the neediness.
What I didn't realize was that by buying into the thought that people with needs were needy, I put myself into an emotional position where I felt meeting the needs of those who displayed neediness was a display of caring support - even LOVE.
And of course, once you give a little bit of caring support or love to a needy person, that person quickly gets "addicted" to the support, and a whole new dynamic begins... trying to be loving, caring, and meeting needs, while also trying to keep from being smothered by the needy person wanting ALL of their needs to be met by one person.
And the needy person normally KNOWS that what they're doing is unhealthy, so in their times of self-loathing they admit their fears, which comes across as NOBLE to those who are taught needs = neediness, and because we see them as being noble, we're even more helpless to disconnect ourselves from the unhealthy dynamic.
The truth is that while everyone has needs, some people figure out healthy, relationship-building ways to get their needs met, whereas needy people have a black hole that CANNOT be filled (from the outside, that is), no matter how much love, support and caring is pumped towards them.
Once I improved my own understanding of healthy boundaries, I realized that neediness was a trap, and now its warning signs scream out to me in a shrill, horrible pitch.
Example Of A Needy Guy Trying To Emotionally Trap A Woman
I was reminded of this by a post on a forum where a man was talking about how he realized he was trying to get his needs met by a woman he was attracted to and wanted to be in a relationship with.
In describing his particular 'needy' episode, he admitted that he was feeling down, not feeling well, and he turned to this woman (who wasn't his GF, but he's hoping to work towards it), hoping for a bit of "mothering". He was hoping for a back rub or some sympathy or something, he said.
The woman in question didn't take the bait (she told him to take care, get some rest, and didn't offer to come console him), and it was quite self-aware for the guy in question to realize he was being needy, but one thing he didn't admit was this:
He was hoping the back rub combined with his feeling down would get him a sympathy fuck, and probably even deepen the trap if successful there, in order to get him into a sympathy relationship.
Women who are weak to this dynamic often find themselves feeling first attracted in a maternal way, then trapped and smothered and ashamed of themselves when they realize their sympathy was used in order to elevate the relationship to a level she wasn't originally interested in. Once you've let someone into your close circle, it's really hard to get them out without completely destroying the relationship - no matter if the relationship involves sex or not.
From there, the picture gets nastier and nastier.
I'm so glad I recognize that "woe is me" ploy as the trap it is.
Both men and women use it as a strategy to bring others closer to them, and I've now begun to see them as "black widow" relationships. When I get the "black widow" vibe from a man or a woman, I purposely remove my attention from them and towards things that bring me joy. Someone else can get lured in and trapped by that disgusting dynamic.
As if when one had needs, they were automatically expected to behave in a needy way in order to get their needs met.
So, it was "normal" for a guy to display neediness early in our relationship - even when we were still on the "friends" side and not officially dating or anything. After all, everyone has needs, and therefore, since I thought needs = needy, I completely accepted the neediness.
What I didn't realize was that by buying into the thought that people with needs were needy, I put myself into an emotional position where I felt meeting the needs of those who displayed neediness was a display of caring support - even LOVE.
And of course, once you give a little bit of caring support or love to a needy person, that person quickly gets "addicted" to the support, and a whole new dynamic begins... trying to be loving, caring, and meeting needs, while also trying to keep from being smothered by the needy person wanting ALL of their needs to be met by one person.
And the needy person normally KNOWS that what they're doing is unhealthy, so in their times of self-loathing they admit their fears, which comes across as NOBLE to those who are taught needs = neediness, and because we see them as being noble, we're even more helpless to disconnect ourselves from the unhealthy dynamic.
The truth is that while everyone has needs, some people figure out healthy, relationship-building ways to get their needs met, whereas needy people have a black hole that CANNOT be filled (from the outside, that is), no matter how much love, support and caring is pumped towards them.
Once I improved my own understanding of healthy boundaries, I realized that neediness was a trap, and now its warning signs scream out to me in a shrill, horrible pitch.
Example Of A Needy Guy Trying To Emotionally Trap A Woman
I was reminded of this by a post on a forum where a man was talking about how he realized he was trying to get his needs met by a woman he was attracted to and wanted to be in a relationship with.
In describing his particular 'needy' episode, he admitted that he was feeling down, not feeling well, and he turned to this woman (who wasn't his GF, but he's hoping to work towards it), hoping for a bit of "mothering". He was hoping for a back rub or some sympathy or something, he said.
The woman in question didn't take the bait (she told him to take care, get some rest, and didn't offer to come console him), and it was quite self-aware for the guy in question to realize he was being needy, but one thing he didn't admit was this:
He was hoping the back rub combined with his feeling down would get him a sympathy fuck, and probably even deepen the trap if successful there, in order to get him into a sympathy relationship.
Women who are weak to this dynamic often find themselves feeling first attracted in a maternal way, then trapped and smothered and ashamed of themselves when they realize their sympathy was used in order to elevate the relationship to a level she wasn't originally interested in. Once you've let someone into your close circle, it's really hard to get them out without completely destroying the relationship - no matter if the relationship involves sex or not.
From there, the picture gets nastier and nastier.
I'm so glad I recognize that "woe is me" ploy as the trap it is.
Both men and women use it as a strategy to bring others closer to them, and I've now begun to see them as "black widow" relationships. When I get the "black widow" vibe from a man or a woman, I purposely remove my attention from them and towards things that bring me joy. Someone else can get lured in and trapped by that disgusting dynamic.
Monday, November 22, 2010
We Are The Borg; Resistance Is Futile
I just had a bit of an analogous realization about society that I'd like to share.
That is, that society, media, TV, laws... the whole shebang is like a big ol' Borg Collective.
It consists of millions of individuals, all plugged in to this confusing but agreed upon structure of how life should be lived, trying to all come together with one collective mind.
When you're part of the collective, there's power behind you and beside you and around you. But when you're part of the collective, your individual opinion doesn't mean much, and knowing this fact, not all of the power that surrounds you in the collective is what you deem to be "good".
When I was part of the collective, I felt buffeted around and confused by society's messages versus the messages that were coming from inside of me. I felt it was unfair that some people were using the laws and rules in a way that abused the spirit of those laws and rules, and they were being rewarded for the abuse. I tried to be successful while following the collective's rules.
Then I began the process of disconnecting from the collective.
First it was unintentional - life was simply too busy between work and social activities to watch any television. No TV shows, no news, no infomercials, no commercials. Very few movies.
Next came my job - I got involved with an entrepreneur and made the mental and emotional transitions from being an employee to being an employer and business owner.
During my 20s, a lot of the disconnections came in the form of learning more about logical fallacies, and thus being able to tell truth from fabrication a lot more in what media DID reach me.
Healthy boundaries to stop manipulators in their tracks, and assertiveness practice to effectively communicate my needs and expectations came last. When I was within the collective, those had been actively discouraged, since it wasn't "good for the group", and the learning about logical fallacies helped speed the boundaries and assertiveness along.
These days, the names and faces have changed a little from the beginning of my journey, but some of them - the ones who wanted to separate themselves from the collective - remained.
When people still firmly plugged into the Collective speak about life, I often have troubles relating.
And, them with me.
It makes us both a little sad - especially if they're family members - but I guess that's the way it goes.
That is, that society, media, TV, laws... the whole shebang is like a big ol' Borg Collective.
It consists of millions of individuals, all plugged in to this confusing but agreed upon structure of how life should be lived, trying to all come together with one collective mind.
When you're part of the collective, there's power behind you and beside you and around you. But when you're part of the collective, your individual opinion doesn't mean much, and knowing this fact, not all of the power that surrounds you in the collective is what you deem to be "good".
When I was part of the collective, I felt buffeted around and confused by society's messages versus the messages that were coming from inside of me. I felt it was unfair that some people were using the laws and rules in a way that abused the spirit of those laws and rules, and they were being rewarded for the abuse. I tried to be successful while following the collective's rules.
Then I began the process of disconnecting from the collective.
First it was unintentional - life was simply too busy between work and social activities to watch any television. No TV shows, no news, no infomercials, no commercials. Very few movies.
Next came my job - I got involved with an entrepreneur and made the mental and emotional transitions from being an employee to being an employer and business owner.
During my 20s, a lot of the disconnections came in the form of learning more about logical fallacies, and thus being able to tell truth from fabrication a lot more in what media DID reach me.
Healthy boundaries to stop manipulators in their tracks, and assertiveness practice to effectively communicate my needs and expectations came last. When I was within the collective, those had been actively discouraged, since it wasn't "good for the group", and the learning about logical fallacies helped speed the boundaries and assertiveness along.
These days, the names and faces have changed a little from the beginning of my journey, but some of them - the ones who wanted to separate themselves from the collective - remained.
When people still firmly plugged into the Collective speak about life, I often have troubles relating.
And, them with me.
It makes us both a little sad - especially if they're family members - but I guess that's the way it goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)