Neediness Is An Emotional Trap

I was raised to believe (more through television than through what my parents taught me) that Needs and Needy behavior were one and the same.

As if when one had needs, they were automatically expected to behave in a needy way in order to get their needs met.

So, it was "normal" for a guy to display neediness early in our relationship - even when we were still on the "friends" side and not officially dating or anything.  After all, everyone has needs, and therefore, since I thought needs = needy, I completely accepted the neediness.

What I didn't realize was that by buying into the thought that people with needs were needy, I put myself into an emotional position where I felt meeting the needs of those who displayed neediness was a display of caring support - even LOVE.

And of course, once you give a little bit of caring support or love to a needy person, that person quickly gets "addicted" to the support, and a whole new dynamic begins... trying to be loving, caring, and meeting needs, while also trying to keep from being smothered by the needy person wanting ALL of their needs to be met by one person.

And the needy person normally KNOWS that what they're doing is unhealthy, so in their times of self-loathing they admit their fears, which comes across as NOBLE to those who are taught needs = neediness, and because we see them as being noble, we're even more helpless to disconnect ourselves from the unhealthy dynamic.

The truth is that while everyone has needs, some people figure out healthy, relationship-building ways to get their needs met, whereas needy people have a black hole that CANNOT be filled (from the outside, that is), no matter how much love, support and caring is pumped towards them.

Once I improved my own understanding of healthy boundaries, I realized that neediness was a trap, and now its warning signs scream out to me in a shrill, horrible pitch.

Example Of A Needy Guy Trying To Emotionally Trap A Woman

I was reminded of this by a post on a forum where a man was talking about how he realized he was trying to get his needs met by a woman he was attracted to and wanted to be in a relationship with.

In describing his particular 'needy' episode, he admitted that he was feeling down, not feeling well, and he turned to this woman (who wasn't his GF, but he's hoping to work towards it), hoping for a bit of "mothering".  He was hoping for a back rub or some sympathy or something, he said.

The woman in question didn't take the bait (she told him to take care, get some rest, and didn't offer to come console him), and it was quite self-aware for the guy in question to realize he was being needy, but one thing he didn't admit was this:

He was hoping the back rub combined with his feeling down would get him a sympathy fuck, and probably even deepen the trap if successful there, in order to get him into a sympathy relationship.

Women who are weak to this dynamic often find themselves feeling first attracted in a maternal way, then trapped and smothered and ashamed of themselves when they realize their sympathy was used in order to elevate the relationship to a level she wasn't originally interested in.  Once you've let someone into your close circle, it's really hard to get them out without completely destroying the relationship - no matter if the relationship involves sex or not.

From there, the picture gets nastier and nastier.

I'm so glad I recognize that "woe is me" ploy as the trap it is.

Both men and women use it as a strategy to bring others closer to them, and I've now begun to see them as "black widow" relationships.  When I get the "black widow" vibe from a man or a woman, I purposely remove my attention from them and towards things that bring me joy.   Someone else can get lured in and trapped by that disgusting dynamic.

Old Habits Die Hard

One thing about learning new theories and strategies for handling the wide variety of social situations we find ourselves in is this:

It takes a short amount of time to learn a new concept, but assimilation of that concept into our habits and reactions can sometimes take weeks, months or years.

Habits such as what has repeatedly caught our interest in a person and encouraged us to move closer are no different.

Once we learn concepts like codependency, covert contracts and victim pukes, it may feel somewhat easy to curb these behaviors in ourselves, and we may begin to coach others around us (with our healthier boundary setting) about the concepts, but one thing it took me years to consider looking at was how these concepts influenced my habits surrounding the selection of social partners - whether just friends, or intimate partners.

I realized that the "types" of guys that I had found attractive back before I learned these concepts are now NOT AT ALL the types of guys I want to attract.

Not that Geeks and Nerds are BAD, persay, but that the particular ones I was gravitating towards were exactly the guys who would use Covert Contracts and Victim Pukes to try to get their needs me, and who would try to merge themselves with me in a way that was very enmeshed and codependent.

I used to go along with it, before I realized the damage that Covert Contracts, Victim Pukes and generalized Codependency create, long term.

Now I'm changing my habits of attraction. Slowly. By noticing first what attracts me, and then taking that information back into my cave to chew over and ponder about. All with the intent of purposeful attraction of a quality relationship based on healthy boundaries, self-loving, and a mutual desire to share life's ups and downs, drama and comedy.

And I'd really love to attract a guy who has job type that allows him to freely travel around the world. My work can be done from anywhere with a high-speed internet connection, after all.