On Dating Multiple People At Once

Human interaction and psychology fascinates me.

The dynamics that get created and re-enforced within relationships are incredibly interesting, and I think that's the main reason I read discussion boards where people are posting about their relationships and looking for feedback from the general public.

Lately I've been pondering how to align my thoughts and emotions surrounding the topic of dating with the intent of finding a really great guy to form a really great relationship with. I've spent time reading other people's dating threads and pondered what they were saying and doing, and pondered the dynamics that were being created right there, at the beginning of the potential new relationships.

Every well-thought-out book I've read on the topic of dating agrees to one thing: When you're just getting into the game (or back into it in my case), until you can really feel the abundance of potential relationships waiting for you, a dater should be dating a LOT of different people at once:

Tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, ones with red hair, ones with NO hair, ones who are fit, ones who are out of shape, ones who are younger, ones who are older, ones who are only children, ones who are one of eight, ones with kids and ones without, and everything in between.

The logic behind this is that many people fall into the trap of pursuing a relationship with a person for the wrong reasons - to alleviate or medicate feelings of fear or aloneness or deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and abandonment - and this blind focus on winning the affections of this one person (also called one-itis, or putting someone on a pedestal) is dangerous and unhealthy.

By dating multiple people at once and continuing the focus of meeting new people and going on a whole bunch of different first and second dates, the temptation to succumb to the unhealthy dynamics that show up in one particular dating sequence is reduced. The more people you're getting to know personally, the more you get to figure out your own likes and dislikes, your own wants and needs in a long-term relationship. Also, if you're openly going on a whole whack of first and second dates, certain dynamics can be triggered in the especially insecure ones, and it'll be easy to "Next!" the possessive ones and just continue to give time to meeting new people and getting to know them.

So, the books all say "stand back, take it slow, get to know him/her first, and in order to slow down the psychological commitment cycle that we eventually allow to take its full course when we decide to actually *commit*, keep your dating calendar full and don't give too much time to one person too early." I'm on board with that psychologically, and am moving towards emotionally re-enforcing the concepts within myself.

One of the challenges I face is finding my own expectations of what a First, Second, Third, Fourth, etc etc date should optimally entail. Note, I say optimally, and I say should, both which have very little place in reality, but are great for dreaming of the possibilities in my own head.

I am following the advice of a dating book for women that suggests specific strategies for handling dating multiple people at once with integrity on all levels: Honesty, Self-Respect, Respect For Others, Clear Boundaries. According to it, before the end of the second date, or certainly before a third one convenes, I will be making it clear that I am interested in finding a long term relationship but I have thrown myself into the dating pool with the intent of going slow, keeping my eyes open while still allowing authentic conversation from my heart to flow, respecting myself and the ones I date, while I do what it takes to decide who I'd like to ultimately get intimate or exclusive with.

I expect it might take me a few tries to learn to screen past the guys who get too close too fast and are already somewhat attached by the time I tell them I'm dating others.

It should be interesting. But I shall learn.

Old Habits Die Hard

One thing about learning new theories and strategies for handling the wide variety of social situations we find ourselves in is this:

It takes a short amount of time to learn a new concept, but assimilation of that concept into our habits and reactions can sometimes take weeks, months or years.

Habits such as what has repeatedly caught our interest in a person and encouraged us to move closer are no different.

Once we learn concepts like codependency, covert contracts and victim pukes, it may feel somewhat easy to curb these behaviors in ourselves, and we may begin to coach others around us (with our healthier boundary setting) about the concepts, but one thing it took me years to consider looking at was how these concepts influenced my habits surrounding the selection of social partners - whether just friends, or intimate partners.

I realized that the "types" of guys that I had found attractive back before I learned these concepts are now NOT AT ALL the types of guys I want to attract.

Not that Geeks and Nerds are BAD, persay, but that the particular ones I was gravitating towards were exactly the guys who would use Covert Contracts and Victim Pukes to try to get their needs me, and who would try to merge themselves with me in a way that was very enmeshed and codependent.

I used to go along with it, before I realized the damage that Covert Contracts, Victim Pukes and generalized Codependency create, long term.

Now I'm changing my habits of attraction. Slowly. By noticing first what attracts me, and then taking that information back into my cave to chew over and ponder about. All with the intent of purposeful attraction of a quality relationship based on healthy boundaries, self-loving, and a mutual desire to share life's ups and downs, drama and comedy.

And I'd really love to attract a guy who has job type that allows him to freely travel around the world. My work can be done from anywhere with a high-speed internet connection, after all.

Why I Find X-Files Fox Mulder Attractive

Let me first make it clear: I am INDEED talking about Fox Mulder, and not David Duchovny.

I don't know shit about the real man behind the character, and I don't care to.

All I care about is the persona he plays in the X-Files show - at least at the start of it, which is what I watched tonight with a friend.

I laughed my ass off tonight as I watched the Pilot episode, and then the next two episodes of the series on the DVD set my friend bought.

I noticed particular attraction to the fact that Fox Mulder is portrayed as a guy who knows what he's looking for, and has a strong passion and direction to his life without needing a woman to fill an empty space inside of him.

More attractive qualities are that he makes decisions without asking for permission (Scully is often left with her mouth gaping while Mulder goes off mysteriously on his own), doesn't engage in any approval-seeking behaviors, and as a bonus, also purposely using his quick wit and intellect to baffle the egotistical agents who scoff at the depth of his passions.

Does it help that Fox Mulder is always nicely dressed, being an FBI agent? Does it help that he's youthful and thin? Probably, but only because he doesn't use those things as tools to get things from others.

Would I date a schlubby guy who showed the same traits as Fox Mulder, minus the physical features and style of dress? Yes, considering I've dated underweight geeks and nerds, guys with buck teeth (as kids that is) and guys who were overweight, and those things were actually part of what I found endearing and lovable about them. Just like my unique traits, I guess ;)


I must say, however, that I was surprised to feel this way about Mulder, as I don't remember finding him intriguing the first time around watching X-Files. I mean, the Mulder/Scully chemistry was awesome for the first season or two, but I don't remember finding Mulder as particularly interesting.

Must Watch More X-Files.