I Don't Date Guys Who Are Vulnerable

I was thinking about how relationships get started.  How people get together.  How they decide to go from zero to serious, or from zero to friends to serious, or whatever.

I see a lot in the media what draws a lot of people together is sadness, lonliness, hurt, vulnerability.

When someone shows their vulnerability, it tends to be that one of two things happen:

1) The vulnerable person gets taken advantage of and used.
2) The vulnerable person attracts someone towards them who they then use to soothe and nurture their hurts.

Sometimes it's a combination of both.  In fact, generally it IS a combination of both - a user is attracted to someone who wants to be used, but the one who is used is also using the user because being used feels good in some twisted ways when we're really messed up and in pain inside.

My learning from this thought is that going with my instinct to be repulsed by a man who shows vulnerability as a way to bring me closer to him... is the RIGHT thing to do.

I'm not a user, and I'm not looking to be used so someone can BE used and then feel badly about it.

Now, to figure out what I say when I realize someone is trying to use vulnerability or sadness or whatever as a way to draw me closer...

"Sounds like you need to find someone to talk to about that."

And if he thinks that's an invite to talk to ME...

"Sorry, I'm a technical consultant, not a therapist"

And if he wants to get my technical help...

"Sure!  $75 an hour, there's a Paypal link on our website, you can reserve 5 or 10 hours of consulting time there"

Fuck you, Johnny Depp

My best friend has a Johnny Depp fetish, and last time we got together for an evening of chatter and movie-watching, she pulled out a Johnny Depp fave, "Crybaby".

I went home thinking about an old flame I hadn't thought about in years, and found myself frustrated for DAYS with thoughts of moments in time that were burned into my head about him.

He's one of those "past guys" who was more a playmate than anything - we spent way more time exchanging glances, talking in double entendres and sneaking touches during group events than we ever spent alone, but that's the way it was meant to be.  A boldly flirtatious game of chemistry, language and self-control that left me wanting to scream more than once, and never, ever ever ever left me physically satisfied.

As I thought about him again, I shook my head, wondering why I had somehow believed I could shut his memory out forever and not use his example as part of what I build into my next great relationship.

I really HAD tucked him away to a back corner of my mind that didn't get visited.

Until I saw Johnny Depp in Crybaby, and while every character in the Crybaby movie was a hilariously overplayed rendition of a stereotype, Depp's dark hair, dark eyes and bad boy bold language reminded me clearly of that man in my past.

I've spent the past five days thinking a lot about what that man taught me about myself and about my sexual engine and appetite.

In all that thought, I took action to find another playfully bold guy like him, I'm starting a search to find a new workout facility and social group that fits my needs.  Fitness needs, social needs, and maybe one day through it I'll meet a guy like him who is actually available for a relationship and not just flirting games...