A lot of people are afraid of conflict.
Afraid both of being attacked, and of their own propensity to attack others, some people have trained themselves to believe that conflict itself is a bad thing.
I used to agree with that sentiment, but as I've re-aligned my thoughts on the topic, I realized this:
CONSTRUCTIVE conflict is AWESOME!
DEconstructive conflict is HORRIBLE!
Therefore, it's not the CONFLICT that is the problem, but how the conflict builds or destroys the foundations of a relationship.
Constructive Conflict, Defined
So if it's not the conflict that's the problem, but whether it's constructive or deconstructive to the relationship, how do we make sure we're leaning towards constructive vs DEstructive?
By handling the conflict respectfully.
By staying on point, on topic, and within limits of reality. (ie: don't exaggerate to prove a point, and voice your OWN opinions, not that of others)
By focusing on the content of the debate and leaving aside any thought of who or what is "right" or "wrong".
By maintaining a strong intention to be verbally respectful, avoiding both self-loathing and judgmental behaviors, or at the very least, stopping ourselves if we slip up and let one squeak out, apologizing, and asking to have that "stricken from the record", so to speak.
Life Without Conflict Is A Lie
I know many people will disagree with my statement above, but this is something I've realized for myself about myself, and therefore I don't care if that statement works for other people or not.
The man I get into a serious relationship with next time will be able to respectfully handle conflict from start to conclusion. Even if we don't agree at the end of the conflict - ESPECIALLY if we don't agree at the end of conflict... just the ability to handle constructive conflict is a requirement.
No longer do I accept that a consistently passive, laid back personality is a good one (for me, or for him). Like the spirit of competitiveness that lives within us all, the conflict and competitiveness are not the bad guy - it's how respectful you're able to be during the process.
I think it's going to be fun to find the guy who can handle conflict in a constructive way (like I already know I can, from practice and purposeful experience), and who knows how to escalate that passion, once the debate is coming to a conclusion, into amazing love-making.
Connection by intellect, connection by soul, connection by body.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Neediness Is An Emotional Trap
I was raised to believe (more through television than through what my parents taught me) that Needs and Needy behavior were one and the same.
As if when one had needs, they were automatically expected to behave in a needy way in order to get their needs met.
So, it was "normal" for a guy to display neediness early in our relationship - even when we were still on the "friends" side and not officially dating or anything. After all, everyone has needs, and therefore, since I thought needs = needy, I completely accepted the neediness.
What I didn't realize was that by buying into the thought that people with needs were needy, I put myself into an emotional position where I felt meeting the needs of those who displayed neediness was a display of caring support - even LOVE.
And of course, once you give a little bit of caring support or love to a needy person, that person quickly gets "addicted" to the support, and a whole new dynamic begins... trying to be loving, caring, and meeting needs, while also trying to keep from being smothered by the needy person wanting ALL of their needs to be met by one person.
And the needy person normally KNOWS that what they're doing is unhealthy, so in their times of self-loathing they admit their fears, which comes across as NOBLE to those who are taught needs = neediness, and because we see them as being noble, we're even more helpless to disconnect ourselves from the unhealthy dynamic.
The truth is that while everyone has needs, some people figure out healthy, relationship-building ways to get their needs met, whereas needy people have a black hole that CANNOT be filled (from the outside, that is), no matter how much love, support and caring is pumped towards them.
Once I improved my own understanding of healthy boundaries, I realized that neediness was a trap, and now its warning signs scream out to me in a shrill, horrible pitch.
Example Of A Needy Guy Trying To Emotionally Trap A Woman
I was reminded of this by a post on a forum where a man was talking about how he realized he was trying to get his needs met by a woman he was attracted to and wanted to be in a relationship with.
In describing his particular 'needy' episode, he admitted that he was feeling down, not feeling well, and he turned to this woman (who wasn't his GF, but he's hoping to work towards it), hoping for a bit of "mothering". He was hoping for a back rub or some sympathy or something, he said.
The woman in question didn't take the bait (she told him to take care, get some rest, and didn't offer to come console him), and it was quite self-aware for the guy in question to realize he was being needy, but one thing he didn't admit was this:
He was hoping the back rub combined with his feeling down would get him a sympathy fuck, and probably even deepen the trap if successful there, in order to get him into a sympathy relationship.
Women who are weak to this dynamic often find themselves feeling first attracted in a maternal way, then trapped and smothered and ashamed of themselves when they realize their sympathy was used in order to elevate the relationship to a level she wasn't originally interested in. Once you've let someone into your close circle, it's really hard to get them out without completely destroying the relationship - no matter if the relationship involves sex or not.
From there, the picture gets nastier and nastier.
I'm so glad I recognize that "woe is me" ploy as the trap it is.
Both men and women use it as a strategy to bring others closer to them, and I've now begun to see them as "black widow" relationships. When I get the "black widow" vibe from a man or a woman, I purposely remove my attention from them and towards things that bring me joy. Someone else can get lured in and trapped by that disgusting dynamic.
As if when one had needs, they were automatically expected to behave in a needy way in order to get their needs met.
So, it was "normal" for a guy to display neediness early in our relationship - even when we were still on the "friends" side and not officially dating or anything. After all, everyone has needs, and therefore, since I thought needs = needy, I completely accepted the neediness.
What I didn't realize was that by buying into the thought that people with needs were needy, I put myself into an emotional position where I felt meeting the needs of those who displayed neediness was a display of caring support - even LOVE.
And of course, once you give a little bit of caring support or love to a needy person, that person quickly gets "addicted" to the support, and a whole new dynamic begins... trying to be loving, caring, and meeting needs, while also trying to keep from being smothered by the needy person wanting ALL of their needs to be met by one person.
And the needy person normally KNOWS that what they're doing is unhealthy, so in their times of self-loathing they admit their fears, which comes across as NOBLE to those who are taught needs = neediness, and because we see them as being noble, we're even more helpless to disconnect ourselves from the unhealthy dynamic.
The truth is that while everyone has needs, some people figure out healthy, relationship-building ways to get their needs met, whereas needy people have a black hole that CANNOT be filled (from the outside, that is), no matter how much love, support and caring is pumped towards them.
Once I improved my own understanding of healthy boundaries, I realized that neediness was a trap, and now its warning signs scream out to me in a shrill, horrible pitch.
Example Of A Needy Guy Trying To Emotionally Trap A Woman
I was reminded of this by a post on a forum where a man was talking about how he realized he was trying to get his needs met by a woman he was attracted to and wanted to be in a relationship with.
In describing his particular 'needy' episode, he admitted that he was feeling down, not feeling well, and he turned to this woman (who wasn't his GF, but he's hoping to work towards it), hoping for a bit of "mothering". He was hoping for a back rub or some sympathy or something, he said.
The woman in question didn't take the bait (she told him to take care, get some rest, and didn't offer to come console him), and it was quite self-aware for the guy in question to realize he was being needy, but one thing he didn't admit was this:
He was hoping the back rub combined with his feeling down would get him a sympathy fuck, and probably even deepen the trap if successful there, in order to get him into a sympathy relationship.
Women who are weak to this dynamic often find themselves feeling first attracted in a maternal way, then trapped and smothered and ashamed of themselves when they realize their sympathy was used in order to elevate the relationship to a level she wasn't originally interested in. Once you've let someone into your close circle, it's really hard to get them out without completely destroying the relationship - no matter if the relationship involves sex or not.
From there, the picture gets nastier and nastier.
I'm so glad I recognize that "woe is me" ploy as the trap it is.
Both men and women use it as a strategy to bring others closer to them, and I've now begun to see them as "black widow" relationships. When I get the "black widow" vibe from a man or a woman, I purposely remove my attention from them and towards things that bring me joy. Someone else can get lured in and trapped by that disgusting dynamic.
Monday, November 22, 2010
We Are The Borg; Resistance Is Futile
I just had a bit of an analogous realization about society that I'd like to share.
That is, that society, media, TV, laws... the whole shebang is like a big ol' Borg Collective.
It consists of millions of individuals, all plugged in to this confusing but agreed upon structure of how life should be lived, trying to all come together with one collective mind.
When you're part of the collective, there's power behind you and beside you and around you. But when you're part of the collective, your individual opinion doesn't mean much, and knowing this fact, not all of the power that surrounds you in the collective is what you deem to be "good".
When I was part of the collective, I felt buffeted around and confused by society's messages versus the messages that were coming from inside of me. I felt it was unfair that some people were using the laws and rules in a way that abused the spirit of those laws and rules, and they were being rewarded for the abuse. I tried to be successful while following the collective's rules.
Then I began the process of disconnecting from the collective.
First it was unintentional - life was simply too busy between work and social activities to watch any television. No TV shows, no news, no infomercials, no commercials. Very few movies.
Next came my job - I got involved with an entrepreneur and made the mental and emotional transitions from being an employee to being an employer and business owner.
During my 20s, a lot of the disconnections came in the form of learning more about logical fallacies, and thus being able to tell truth from fabrication a lot more in what media DID reach me.
Healthy boundaries to stop manipulators in their tracks, and assertiveness practice to effectively communicate my needs and expectations came last. When I was within the collective, those had been actively discouraged, since it wasn't "good for the group", and the learning about logical fallacies helped speed the boundaries and assertiveness along.
These days, the names and faces have changed a little from the beginning of my journey, but some of them - the ones who wanted to separate themselves from the collective - remained.
When people still firmly plugged into the Collective speak about life, I often have troubles relating.
And, them with me.
It makes us both a little sad - especially if they're family members - but I guess that's the way it goes.
That is, that society, media, TV, laws... the whole shebang is like a big ol' Borg Collective.
It consists of millions of individuals, all plugged in to this confusing but agreed upon structure of how life should be lived, trying to all come together with one collective mind.
When you're part of the collective, there's power behind you and beside you and around you. But when you're part of the collective, your individual opinion doesn't mean much, and knowing this fact, not all of the power that surrounds you in the collective is what you deem to be "good".
When I was part of the collective, I felt buffeted around and confused by society's messages versus the messages that were coming from inside of me. I felt it was unfair that some people were using the laws and rules in a way that abused the spirit of those laws and rules, and they were being rewarded for the abuse. I tried to be successful while following the collective's rules.
Then I began the process of disconnecting from the collective.
First it was unintentional - life was simply too busy between work and social activities to watch any television. No TV shows, no news, no infomercials, no commercials. Very few movies.
Next came my job - I got involved with an entrepreneur and made the mental and emotional transitions from being an employee to being an employer and business owner.
During my 20s, a lot of the disconnections came in the form of learning more about logical fallacies, and thus being able to tell truth from fabrication a lot more in what media DID reach me.
Healthy boundaries to stop manipulators in their tracks, and assertiveness practice to effectively communicate my needs and expectations came last. When I was within the collective, those had been actively discouraged, since it wasn't "good for the group", and the learning about logical fallacies helped speed the boundaries and assertiveness along.
These days, the names and faces have changed a little from the beginning of my journey, but some of them - the ones who wanted to separate themselves from the collective - remained.
When people still firmly plugged into the Collective speak about life, I often have troubles relating.
And, them with me.
It makes us both a little sad - especially if they're family members - but I guess that's the way it goes.
I Think, Therefore I'm Single
My first serious relationship spanned from 19-22. It started out as a long distance relationship (only 2h away however) but after it became apparent that we really liked each other, I moved to his city and we lived together.
It lasted for 2.5 years before I packed my bags and left. My ex may have loved me, but he didn't love himself very well, and he had massive issues with his father that were left unresolved which boiled over into our relationship via angry fits and holes in walls, but never to physical violence against each other.
I found a few pin-on buttons shortly after we broke up, and because they were cheap and entertained me, I bought them.
One of them read: "Don't get stars in your eyes! They'll burn your lids right off!"
The other read: "I Think, Therefore I'm Single"
I wore both on my jacket, and found other people's response to them quite interesting, and telling.
When people read the second badge, I could instantly tell how they felt about their own marital state. If they were happily married, they were somewhat offended by the badge. If they were single and happy, they laughed and agreed full-on with it. If they were married and unhappy, some tried to hide their chuckle, others gave 'sad' responses.
I wore that badge while I recovered from the ending of my first serious relationship, while out in public in general, and while doing light dating. I only took it off once I found someone I was willing to consider committing to, after we had been dating for a while.
I think I need to get another badge like that. It was such a helpful marital-status chat opener, made it much easier for me to learn who was single and who wasn't.
Plus, I like to offend people who are looking for things that offend them. It entertains me.
PS: I found that button. The one I haven't worn in 15 years. For some reason, it had worked its way out of whatever box it was stashed in, and was on the floor beneath my computer, facing down as I wrote this entry. Frickin' weird.
It lasted for 2.5 years before I packed my bags and left. My ex may have loved me, but he didn't love himself very well, and he had massive issues with his father that were left unresolved which boiled over into our relationship via angry fits and holes in walls, but never to physical violence against each other.
I found a few pin-on buttons shortly after we broke up, and because they were cheap and entertained me, I bought them.
One of them read: "Don't get stars in your eyes! They'll burn your lids right off!"
The other read: "I Think, Therefore I'm Single"
I wore both on my jacket, and found other people's response to them quite interesting, and telling.
When people read the second badge, I could instantly tell how they felt about their own marital state. If they were happily married, they were somewhat offended by the badge. If they were single and happy, they laughed and agreed full-on with it. If they were married and unhappy, some tried to hide their chuckle, others gave 'sad' responses.
I wore that badge while I recovered from the ending of my first serious relationship, while out in public in general, and while doing light dating. I only took it off once I found someone I was willing to consider committing to, after we had been dating for a while.
I think I need to get another badge like that. It was such a helpful marital-status chat opener, made it much easier for me to learn who was single and who wasn't.
Plus, I like to offend people who are looking for things that offend them. It entertains me.
PS: I found that button. The one I haven't worn in 15 years. For some reason, it had worked its way out of whatever box it was stashed in, and was on the floor beneath my computer, facing down as I wrote this entry. Frickin' weird.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Social Expectations Are Irrelevant
I love the Seven of Nine character from the Star Trek: Voyager series, just like I love Data on the Star Trek: The Next Generation series.
Yes, I like Star Trek - it tends to be low-drama entertainment that bases a lot of its humor and depth on the philosophical dissimilarities between people and cultures, which is something I love to think about.
I didn't expect to like Seven of Nine as much as I do, but I absolutely love the contradiction in terms her feminine body is with her direct, focused and very masculine emotional state. I'm sure there are also a lot of males who enjoy this contradiction, but for distinctly different reasons than I do. ;)
The main reason I like Seven so much is because she's like Tuvok the vulcan - highly logically-driven in her decision making processes, and because of that fact, anyone who tries to manipulate her for their own personal gain or to protect their pride... fails. Also, because she was rescued from the Borg collective which has distinctly different social dynamics than either humans or vulcans, she's even MORE interesting - she is logical and strong, and is trying to deal with illogical human social customs and taboos.
"Irrelevant" is her favorite word, and quite often, I find myself agreeing with her assessments.
I've got some people in my life who don't like those assessments because they've found the logic difficult to debate without bringing emotions into the mix.
Some say the emotions are a natural part of the debate, and I agree - Seven shows a passion and conviction and hunger to truly understand - but that doesn't mean she allows people to use emotions such as fear, anger or guilt to sway her logical debates.
Seven is my hero!
Yes, I like Star Trek - it tends to be low-drama entertainment that bases a lot of its humor and depth on the philosophical dissimilarities between people and cultures, which is something I love to think about.
I didn't expect to like Seven of Nine as much as I do, but I absolutely love the contradiction in terms her feminine body is with her direct, focused and very masculine emotional state. I'm sure there are also a lot of males who enjoy this contradiction, but for distinctly different reasons than I do. ;)
The main reason I like Seven so much is because she's like Tuvok the vulcan - highly logically-driven in her decision making processes, and because of that fact, anyone who tries to manipulate her for their own personal gain or to protect their pride... fails. Also, because she was rescued from the Borg collective which has distinctly different social dynamics than either humans or vulcans, she's even MORE interesting - she is logical and strong, and is trying to deal with illogical human social customs and taboos.
"Irrelevant" is her favorite word, and quite often, I find myself agreeing with her assessments.
I've got some people in my life who don't like those assessments because they've found the logic difficult to debate without bringing emotions into the mix.
Some say the emotions are a natural part of the debate, and I agree - Seven shows a passion and conviction and hunger to truly understand - but that doesn't mean she allows people to use emotions such as fear, anger or guilt to sway her logical debates.
Seven is my hero!
Doing My Homework vs Being Direct
So, I was thinking...
In every social circle, there's a woman or two who have their "finger on the pulse" of the relationship statuses of the people within the social circle. They know who's single, who's married, who's freshly divorced, who's already seriously dating.
Most of my life, I've avoided those women, despite their treasure trove of knowledge. I felt icky about associating with women who found other people's business so intriguing that they had to seek it out so actively, and share the results with anyone who asked.
I've come to realize that as soon as I recognize there's a "most of my life" pattern I'm thinking of re-embarking upon, I should stop, take a step back, and strongly consider doing the exact opposite of what I've done for most of my life.
So, I'm thinking, now that I've been in a local recreational social group for nearly two months and have gotten a bit more comfortable, I should start opening my attention up for those women... in the know.
I must admit, I pause for a moment and think about the fact that this is an indirect/feminine essence way to find out who's a married flirter and who's truly single, and think about my thoughts and feelings about that realization.
I've come to the conclusion that there's a time to be direct, and a time to do my homework, and this is time to do my homework.
Plus, I trust my ability to set boundaries enough that I don't mind the thought of the women in the know knowing that I'm single and open to being asked out on a date. Having someone play matchmaker no longer bothers me, and in fact I look forward to the boundary setting and relationship building opportunities that result from me respecting myself and being appreciative of others.
In every social circle, there's a woman or two who have their "finger on the pulse" of the relationship statuses of the people within the social circle. They know who's single, who's married, who's freshly divorced, who's already seriously dating.
Most of my life, I've avoided those women, despite their treasure trove of knowledge. I felt icky about associating with women who found other people's business so intriguing that they had to seek it out so actively, and share the results with anyone who asked.
I've come to realize that as soon as I recognize there's a "most of my life" pattern I'm thinking of re-embarking upon, I should stop, take a step back, and strongly consider doing the exact opposite of what I've done for most of my life.
So, I'm thinking, now that I've been in a local recreational social group for nearly two months and have gotten a bit more comfortable, I should start opening my attention up for those women... in the know.
I must admit, I pause for a moment and think about the fact that this is an indirect/feminine essence way to find out who's a married flirter and who's truly single, and think about my thoughts and feelings about that realization.
I've come to the conclusion that there's a time to be direct, and a time to do my homework, and this is time to do my homework.
Plus, I trust my ability to set boundaries enough that I don't mind the thought of the women in the know knowing that I'm single and open to being asked out on a date. Having someone play matchmaker no longer bothers me, and in fact I look forward to the boundary setting and relationship building opportunities that result from me respecting myself and being appreciative of others.
What Melts My Heart vs Turns Me On
I've been paying closer attention these days to what I find attractive, and spending more time thinking about why it's attractive to me.
So, as I interact with friends, family and strangers, and as I watch television and watch the choreographed social interactions on a long-running TV series, I pay attention to how I feel and what I'm thinking about a lot more than I used to.
I watched an episode of Star Trek: Voyager the other night that surprised me and gave me a lot to think about - it was in Season 6 and was an episode surrounding the highly logical Vulcan security officer by the name of Tuvok. At the beginning of the episode, Tuvok was hit with a weapon fire that damaged his brain, and severely altered his emotional personality away from the logical and towards the emotional.
Throughout the episode, Tuvok was "growing up" over again. Acting very child-like and embracing his emotional states with fervor we never see from his Vulcan character. He smiled and laughed and moved around in a way that was playful and relaxed - quite opposite of his normal Vulcan demeanor.
Of course, since he was demonstrating and embracing emotions, good emotions weren't the only ones he expressed. He got frustrated, he had little temper tantrums, a few victim pukes, and had some emotionally difficult encounters with those who were used to him being much more logical.
What I found fascinating about the episode was how I had always loved Tuvok's character and derived great joy out of his highly-logical way of looking at the world, but now that he was moving around more freely, smiling, showing his artistic side, and things like that... my heart completely melted to him.
When my heart melted, I realized there was no sexual polarity/attraction in the feeling, but just having my heart melted was like having my barriers lowered, and I felt closer to Tuvok in that moment (yes, yes I know, TV show, bear with me).
I immediately pulled back emotionally, however, realizing that the "artistic, sensitive and vulnerable" persona he was putting on was really NOT something I wanted to let my barriers lower about - at least when it comes to grown men. THIS is a habit I will be de-programming myself of.
Perhaps I do have a wee bit of maternal instinct in me, because a small child who is vulnerable, sensitive and artistic seems perfectly natural for me to lower my barriers to, and perhaps my example in that child's life could help them discern healthier relationships in the future. I certainly remember those kinds of adult coaches when I was a kid :)
So, as I interact with friends, family and strangers, and as I watch television and watch the choreographed social interactions on a long-running TV series, I pay attention to how I feel and what I'm thinking about a lot more than I used to.
I watched an episode of Star Trek: Voyager the other night that surprised me and gave me a lot to think about - it was in Season 6 and was an episode surrounding the highly logical Vulcan security officer by the name of Tuvok. At the beginning of the episode, Tuvok was hit with a weapon fire that damaged his brain, and severely altered his emotional personality away from the logical and towards the emotional.
Throughout the episode, Tuvok was "growing up" over again. Acting very child-like and embracing his emotional states with fervor we never see from his Vulcan character. He smiled and laughed and moved around in a way that was playful and relaxed - quite opposite of his normal Vulcan demeanor.
Of course, since he was demonstrating and embracing emotions, good emotions weren't the only ones he expressed. He got frustrated, he had little temper tantrums, a few victim pukes, and had some emotionally difficult encounters with those who were used to him being much more logical.
What I found fascinating about the episode was how I had always loved Tuvok's character and derived great joy out of his highly-logical way of looking at the world, but now that he was moving around more freely, smiling, showing his artistic side, and things like that... my heart completely melted to him.
When my heart melted, I realized there was no sexual polarity/attraction in the feeling, but just having my heart melted was like having my barriers lowered, and I felt closer to Tuvok in that moment (yes, yes I know, TV show, bear with me).
I immediately pulled back emotionally, however, realizing that the "artistic, sensitive and vulnerable" persona he was putting on was really NOT something I wanted to let my barriers lower about - at least when it comes to grown men. THIS is a habit I will be de-programming myself of.
Perhaps I do have a wee bit of maternal instinct in me, because a small child who is vulnerable, sensitive and artistic seems perfectly natural for me to lower my barriers to, and perhaps my example in that child's life could help them discern healthier relationships in the future. I certainly remember those kinds of adult coaches when I was a kid :)
On Dating Multiple People At Once
Human interaction and psychology fascinates me.
The dynamics that get created and re-enforced within relationships are incredibly interesting, and I think that's the main reason I read discussion boards where people are posting about their relationships and looking for feedback from the general public.
Lately I've been pondering how to align my thoughts and emotions surrounding the topic of dating with the intent of finding a really great guy to form a really great relationship with. I've spent time reading other people's dating threads and pondered what they were saying and doing, and pondered the dynamics that were being created right there, at the beginning of the potential new relationships.
Every well-thought-out book I've read on the topic of dating agrees to one thing: When you're just getting into the game (or back into it in my case), until you can really feel the abundance of potential relationships waiting for you, a dater should be dating a LOT of different people at once:
Tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, ones with red hair, ones with NO hair, ones who are fit, ones who are out of shape, ones who are younger, ones who are older, ones who are only children, ones who are one of eight, ones with kids and ones without, and everything in between.
The logic behind this is that many people fall into the trap of pursuing a relationship with a person for the wrong reasons - to alleviate or medicate feelings of fear or aloneness or deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and abandonment - and this blind focus on winning the affections of this one person (also called one-itis, or putting someone on a pedestal) is dangerous and unhealthy.
By dating multiple people at once and continuing the focus of meeting new people and going on a whole bunch of different first and second dates, the temptation to succumb to the unhealthy dynamics that show up in one particular dating sequence is reduced. The more people you're getting to know personally, the more you get to figure out your own likes and dislikes, your own wants and needs in a long-term relationship. Also, if you're openly going on a whole whack of first and second dates, certain dynamics can be triggered in the especially insecure ones, and it'll be easy to "Next!" the possessive ones and just continue to give time to meeting new people and getting to know them.
So, the books all say "stand back, take it slow, get to know him/her first, and in order to slow down the psychological commitment cycle that we eventually allow to take its full course when we decide to actually *commit*, keep your dating calendar full and don't give too much time to one person too early." I'm on board with that psychologically, and am moving towards emotionally re-enforcing the concepts within myself.
One of the challenges I face is finding my own expectations of what a First, Second, Third, Fourth, etc etc date should optimally entail. Note, I say optimally, and I say should, both which have very little place in reality, but are great for dreaming of the possibilities in my own head.
I am following the advice of a dating book for women that suggests specific strategies for handling dating multiple people at once with integrity on all levels: Honesty, Self-Respect, Respect For Others, Clear Boundaries. According to it, before the end of the second date, or certainly before a third one convenes, I will be making it clear that I am interested in finding a long term relationship but I have thrown myself into the dating pool with the intent of going slow, keeping my eyes open while still allowing authentic conversation from my heart to flow, respecting myself and the ones I date, while I do what it takes to decide who I'd like to ultimately get intimate or exclusive with.
I expect it might take me a few tries to learn to screen past the guys who get too close too fast and are already somewhat attached by the time I tell them I'm dating others.
It should be interesting. But I shall learn.
The dynamics that get created and re-enforced within relationships are incredibly interesting, and I think that's the main reason I read discussion boards where people are posting about their relationships and looking for feedback from the general public.
Lately I've been pondering how to align my thoughts and emotions surrounding the topic of dating with the intent of finding a really great guy to form a really great relationship with. I've spent time reading other people's dating threads and pondered what they were saying and doing, and pondered the dynamics that were being created right there, at the beginning of the potential new relationships.
Every well-thought-out book I've read on the topic of dating agrees to one thing: When you're just getting into the game (or back into it in my case), until you can really feel the abundance of potential relationships waiting for you, a dater should be dating a LOT of different people at once:
Tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, ones with red hair, ones with NO hair, ones who are fit, ones who are out of shape, ones who are younger, ones who are older, ones who are only children, ones who are one of eight, ones with kids and ones without, and everything in between.
The logic behind this is that many people fall into the trap of pursuing a relationship with a person for the wrong reasons - to alleviate or medicate feelings of fear or aloneness or deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and abandonment - and this blind focus on winning the affections of this one person (also called one-itis, or putting someone on a pedestal) is dangerous and unhealthy.
By dating multiple people at once and continuing the focus of meeting new people and going on a whole bunch of different first and second dates, the temptation to succumb to the unhealthy dynamics that show up in one particular dating sequence is reduced. The more people you're getting to know personally, the more you get to figure out your own likes and dislikes, your own wants and needs in a long-term relationship. Also, if you're openly going on a whole whack of first and second dates, certain dynamics can be triggered in the especially insecure ones, and it'll be easy to "Next!" the possessive ones and just continue to give time to meeting new people and getting to know them.
So, the books all say "stand back, take it slow, get to know him/her first, and in order to slow down the psychological commitment cycle that we eventually allow to take its full course when we decide to actually *commit*, keep your dating calendar full and don't give too much time to one person too early." I'm on board with that psychologically, and am moving towards emotionally re-enforcing the concepts within myself.
One of the challenges I face is finding my own expectations of what a First, Second, Third, Fourth, etc etc date should optimally entail. Note, I say optimally, and I say should, both which have very little place in reality, but are great for dreaming of the possibilities in my own head.
I am following the advice of a dating book for women that suggests specific strategies for handling dating multiple people at once with integrity on all levels: Honesty, Self-Respect, Respect For Others, Clear Boundaries. According to it, before the end of the second date, or certainly before a third one convenes, I will be making it clear that I am interested in finding a long term relationship but I have thrown myself into the dating pool with the intent of going slow, keeping my eyes open while still allowing authentic conversation from my heart to flow, respecting myself and the ones I date, while I do what it takes to decide who I'd like to ultimately get intimate or exclusive with.
I expect it might take me a few tries to learn to screen past the guys who get too close too fast and are already somewhat attached by the time I tell them I'm dating others.
It should be interesting. But I shall learn.
Old Habits Die Hard
One thing about learning new theories and strategies for handling the wide variety of social situations we find ourselves in is this:
It takes a short amount of time to learn a new concept, but assimilation of that concept into our habits and reactions can sometimes take weeks, months or years.
Habits such as what has repeatedly caught our interest in a person and encouraged us to move closer are no different.
Once we learn concepts like codependency, covert contracts and victim pukes, it may feel somewhat easy to curb these behaviors in ourselves, and we may begin to coach others around us (with our healthier boundary setting) about the concepts, but one thing it took me years to consider looking at was how these concepts influenced my habits surrounding the selection of social partners - whether just friends, or intimate partners.
I realized that the "types" of guys that I had found attractive back before I learned these concepts are now NOT AT ALL the types of guys I want to attract.
Not that Geeks and Nerds are BAD, persay, but that the particular ones I was gravitating towards were exactly the guys who would use Covert Contracts and Victim Pukes to try to get their needs me, and who would try to merge themselves with me in a way that was very enmeshed and codependent.
I used to go along with it, before I realized the damage that Covert Contracts, Victim Pukes and generalized Codependency create, long term.
Now I'm changing my habits of attraction. Slowly. By noticing first what attracts me, and then taking that information back into my cave to chew over and ponder about. All with the intent of purposeful attraction of a quality relationship based on healthy boundaries, self-loving, and a mutual desire to share life's ups and downs, drama and comedy.
And I'd really love to attract a guy who has job type that allows him to freely travel around the world. My work can be done from anywhere with a high-speed internet connection, after all.
It takes a short amount of time to learn a new concept, but assimilation of that concept into our habits and reactions can sometimes take weeks, months or years.
Habits such as what has repeatedly caught our interest in a person and encouraged us to move closer are no different.
Once we learn concepts like codependency, covert contracts and victim pukes, it may feel somewhat easy to curb these behaviors in ourselves, and we may begin to coach others around us (with our healthier boundary setting) about the concepts, but one thing it took me years to consider looking at was how these concepts influenced my habits surrounding the selection of social partners - whether just friends, or intimate partners.
I realized that the "types" of guys that I had found attractive back before I learned these concepts are now NOT AT ALL the types of guys I want to attract.
Not that Geeks and Nerds are BAD, persay, but that the particular ones I was gravitating towards were exactly the guys who would use Covert Contracts and Victim Pukes to try to get their needs me, and who would try to merge themselves with me in a way that was very enmeshed and codependent.
I used to go along with it, before I realized the damage that Covert Contracts, Victim Pukes and generalized Codependency create, long term.
Now I'm changing my habits of attraction. Slowly. By noticing first what attracts me, and then taking that information back into my cave to chew over and ponder about. All with the intent of purposeful attraction of a quality relationship based on healthy boundaries, self-loving, and a mutual desire to share life's ups and downs, drama and comedy.
And I'd really love to attract a guy who has job type that allows him to freely travel around the world. My work can be done from anywhere with a high-speed internet connection, after all.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Why I Find X-Files Fox Mulder Attractive
Let me first make it clear: I am INDEED talking about Fox Mulder, and not David Duchovny.
I don't know shit about the real man behind the character, and I don't care to.
All I care about is the persona he plays in the X-Files show - at least at the start of it, which is what I watched tonight with a friend.
I laughed my ass off tonight as I watched the Pilot episode, and then the next two episodes of the series on the DVD set my friend bought.
I noticed particular attraction to the fact that Fox Mulder is portrayed as a guy who knows what he's looking for, and has a strong passion and direction to his life without needing a woman to fill an empty space inside of him.
More attractive qualities are that he makes decisions without asking for permission (Scully is often left with her mouth gaping while Mulder goes off mysteriously on his own), doesn't engage in any approval-seeking behaviors, and as a bonus, also purposely using his quick wit and intellect to baffle the egotistical agents who scoff at the depth of his passions.
Does it help that Fox Mulder is always nicely dressed, being an FBI agent? Does it help that he's youthful and thin? Probably, but only because he doesn't use those things as tools to get things from others.
Would I date a schlubby guy who showed the same traits as Fox Mulder, minus the physical features and style of dress? Yes, considering I've dated underweight geeks and nerds, guys with buck teeth (as kids that is) and guys who were overweight, and those things were actually part of what I found endearing and lovable about them. Just like my unique traits, I guess ;)
I must say, however, that I was surprised to feel this way about Mulder, as I don't remember finding him intriguing the first time around watching X-Files. I mean, the Mulder/Scully chemistry was awesome for the first season or two, but I don't remember finding Mulder as particularly interesting.
Must Watch More X-Files.
I don't know shit about the real man behind the character, and I don't care to.
All I care about is the persona he plays in the X-Files show - at least at the start of it, which is what I watched tonight with a friend.
I laughed my ass off tonight as I watched the Pilot episode, and then the next two episodes of the series on the DVD set my friend bought.
I noticed particular attraction to the fact that Fox Mulder is portrayed as a guy who knows what he's looking for, and has a strong passion and direction to his life without needing a woman to fill an empty space inside of him.
More attractive qualities are that he makes decisions without asking for permission (Scully is often left with her mouth gaping while Mulder goes off mysteriously on his own), doesn't engage in any approval-seeking behaviors, and as a bonus, also purposely using his quick wit and intellect to baffle the egotistical agents who scoff at the depth of his passions.
Does it help that Fox Mulder is always nicely dressed, being an FBI agent? Does it help that he's youthful and thin? Probably, but only because he doesn't use those things as tools to get things from others.
Would I date a schlubby guy who showed the same traits as Fox Mulder, minus the physical features and style of dress? Yes, considering I've dated underweight geeks and nerds, guys with buck teeth (as kids that is) and guys who were overweight, and those things were actually part of what I found endearing and lovable about them. Just like my unique traits, I guess ;)
I must say, however, that I was surprised to feel this way about Mulder, as I don't remember finding him intriguing the first time around watching X-Files. I mean, the Mulder/Scully chemistry was awesome for the first season or two, but I don't remember finding Mulder as particularly interesting.
Must Watch More X-Files.
Why I'm Here
I'm posting here because I have some interesting epiphanies about attraction these days, and I want to store them somewhere semi-anonymous.
I'm female, I'm single, I want an awesome relationship.
From about age 10 until just a few years ago, I remember believing: "Choose the geeks and nerds, the shy guys - they've got hearts of gold and are less likely to just vanish on me".
My first boyfriend wasn't a geek or a nerd. He was forward and direct, and cute and popular. He made it known that he liked me, he endured ribbing from his friends about his forwardness, and I was completely taken off guard and flattered, and followed his lead. Of course, we were 7 years old at the time, and he made his move on me during summer camp while we played hide-and-seek in the evening dusk.
Billy and I were together all that summer, and despite going to different schools and being incredibly young, we saw each other all through the winter, too. I even got a nickname that was a mashed up version of his name and mine for a while.
When Billy broke up with me, it broke my heart.
Not just because he broke up with me, but because he (being 8 years old) broke up with me by announcing in front of everyone that the new girl - the one with one brown eye and one blue eye and who had just moved to town - was his girlfriend, and that he was taking his girlfriend on a ride on his kid-sized motorcycle.
I was embarrassed and extremely hurt, and looking back, I don't think I fully acknowledged the impact of that youthful relationship on my opinions love moving forward until now, as I think about how Billy and I got together way back then.
Because I didn't want to get hurt by another Billy, I turned my attention towards geeks, nerds and shy guys... and away from boys who became social leaders.
I figured that would shield me from the pain of really loving someone and then losing them.
Ha!
It didn't work.
But that's not what this blog is about...
I'm female, I'm single, I want an awesome relationship.
From about age 10 until just a few years ago, I remember believing: "Choose the geeks and nerds, the shy guys - they've got hearts of gold and are less likely to just vanish on me".
My first boyfriend wasn't a geek or a nerd. He was forward and direct, and cute and popular. He made it known that he liked me, he endured ribbing from his friends about his forwardness, and I was completely taken off guard and flattered, and followed his lead. Of course, we were 7 years old at the time, and he made his move on me during summer camp while we played hide-and-seek in the evening dusk.
Billy and I were together all that summer, and despite going to different schools and being incredibly young, we saw each other all through the winter, too. I even got a nickname that was a mashed up version of his name and mine for a while.
When Billy broke up with me, it broke my heart.
Not just because he broke up with me, but because he (being 8 years old) broke up with me by announcing in front of everyone that the new girl - the one with one brown eye and one blue eye and who had just moved to town - was his girlfriend, and that he was taking his girlfriend on a ride on his kid-sized motorcycle.
I was embarrassed and extremely hurt, and looking back, I don't think I fully acknowledged the impact of that youthful relationship on my opinions love moving forward until now, as I think about how Billy and I got together way back then.
Because I didn't want to get hurt by another Billy, I turned my attention towards geeks, nerds and shy guys... and away from boys who became social leaders.
I figured that would shield me from the pain of really loving someone and then losing them.
Ha!
It didn't work.
But that's not what this blog is about...
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