A lot of people are afraid of conflict.
Afraid both of being attacked, and of their own propensity to attack others, some people have trained themselves to believe that conflict itself is a bad thing.
I used to agree with that sentiment, but as I've re-aligned my thoughts on the topic, I realized this:
CONSTRUCTIVE conflict is AWESOME!
DEconstructive conflict is HORRIBLE!
Therefore, it's not the CONFLICT that is the problem, but how the conflict builds or destroys the foundations of a relationship.
Constructive Conflict, Defined
So if it's not the conflict that's the problem, but whether it's constructive or deconstructive to the relationship, how do we make sure we're leaning towards constructive vs DEstructive?
By handling the conflict respectfully.
By staying on point, on topic, and within limits of reality. (ie: don't exaggerate to prove a point, and voice your OWN opinions, not that of others)
By focusing on the content of the debate and leaving aside any thought of who or what is "right" or "wrong".
By maintaining a strong intention to be verbally respectful, avoiding both self-loathing and judgmental behaviors, or at the very least, stopping ourselves if we slip up and let one squeak out, apologizing, and asking to have that "stricken from the record", so to speak.
Life Without Conflict Is A Lie
I know many people will disagree with my statement above, but this is something I've realized for myself about myself, and therefore I don't care if that statement works for other people or not.
The man I get into a serious relationship with next time will be able to respectfully handle conflict from start to conclusion. Even if we don't agree at the end of the conflict - ESPECIALLY if we don't agree at the end of conflict... just the ability to handle constructive conflict is a requirement.
No longer do I accept that a consistently passive, laid back personality is a good one (for me, or for him). Like the spirit of competitiveness that lives within us all, the conflict and competitiveness are not the bad guy - it's how respectful you're able to be during the process.
I think it's going to be fun to find the guy who can handle conflict in a constructive way (like I already know I can, from practice and purposeful experience), and who knows how to escalate that passion, once the debate is coming to a conclusion, into amazing love-making.
Connection by intellect, connection by soul, connection by body.
No comments:
Post a Comment